Tairngir tellings

Like an earthly stubble the grass tickles my palms as we lazily lay,
Joy is my strange companion as the sun slips behind the hill waving a bye to the day,
A gentle breath seduces the skin as in a tree a dove sounds a mellow coo,
My restless mind is awed into quiet as my minds eye turns longingly upon you,
All those little lies that whisper “unworthy” turn to dust before you’re passion stare,
The lazy lean of a young tree reminds me that all about has little to worry and needs not care,

Once forgotten summers return in a single beat; my heart athlete as our favourites play along lazily leading,
Basking in fruit’s glory of furrows filled with labours past; a blast the earth gives up it’s bounty bleeding,

We walk in smiles with Him who is All to us redeeming our joy from prisons dread,
Released, our heart’s peace beating as forgotten love lorn paths we silently tread,
In this moment; at this moment all is dream, all else seems pretty pantomime,
Naked in every way my soul, mind and body; shoddy the idea of limit to this time
As the moon silently silver a sliver of a smiling face winking takes it turn,
Sun dips into landscape beyond to bleach new skin, sights and times to burn,

(A piece I’m uncertain whether or not is finished…….. It’s about a couple sitting outside on a beautiful evening and incredibly aware of God everywhere around them.)

Originally posted on http://tairngir.tumblr.com/page/73

A poem about love lost, found, given and received, brokenness and healing…….

Your sigh reminds me I can’t put her smile to dead-ends past,
Frown contorted face I remember that death night, that cold of been the last,
Tis a mystery why letting go is hardest,

Playing that new world song of a longing unquenched,
I see this future now that will not be keeping me benched,
The two of them refuse to be put out of mind,

That dark 1 in the morning ended past with a silent crash,
Even as you dangerously held onto past love’s stash,
The now is here and real; don’t look away,

Smiling now free of doubt and full of future’s promise,
Sun lit garden of joy drawing me into glory’s first kiss,
In full bloom, at one, alone only by choice.

Longing; an ache lost in the heat of passions eruption,
Praying “God keep love dangerous but away from enemy corruption”,
We seek healing for darker past, looking for light.
We need You in all, redeeming the wrong into right.

Spring, spring is a time of creation, new growth. Spring generally follows winter which is a season in which a lot of living things enter into hibernation. Growth and newness is ceased or dramatically slowed. There are many species however that do thrive at this time, life never just stops. Even when something or someone dies the matter that made them a being, a life form gets broken down into it’s component parts and the chemicals become in time new life, new organic matter. So even those who believe that the physical is all there is know that what makes them never ends. There is no dead end.

Last year my year started off with a bit of a bang I did things I had never done before. I moved into a new flat with a new flat mate. I was a few months into a new job in a completely unfamiliar field. I fell in love for the first time and all was right with the world. My world was as I had seen it in my dreams. I travelled in body and spirit to new heights where I had no idea how to live, in territory I had little experience occupying. Spring had come and was waning into a most glorious summer. I don’t know if this happens to others but amidst all this growth and light taking place the darkness in my heart and in my relationships with others came to the surface; unveiled for what it is. A stench of death arose from these dark balls of pain and hate that I carried around in me. I faced up to some of these and God transformed death to life, dark to light even if it was only a process of another layer being made right.

My heart, faith, spirit was stretched, made bigger somehow. I am getting the sense in my life that it is impossible for me not to be continually growing in some way. I do have a certain amount of choice in what way I will grow. For instance I went through a very tough time as the year neared its end. A relationship broke down my heart was broken I felt lower than I had felt in a long time. My work was sapping my soul of life. It seemed everything that I had sowed into was dying or given enough time would die. I contemplated running away from my home hoping that pain and disappointment wouldn’t follow me. But as the saying goes “wherever you go there you are”. I couldn’t escape what I had been through and what that was doing to me but I could ask God to make things new. I could ask my Father, the creator of all that is good and true and beautiful to bring good from the bad. To shine light into the darkness within and shadow casters without. I did that slowly; trusting more and more in Him, in His love for me and all those I have relationship with; the good, the bad and the unsightly to my human eyes. I know there is so much more to be done in all this and that really excites me where before I would shrink back with doubt in my ability to go through the refiners fire, to play my part.

Back to winter: my work involved looking after people who are physically and developmentally broken and have been their entire lives. How do you believe in a good, healing, compassionate God when you are around those who were never given a chance to be all that their inheritance as sons and daughters promised. But through their limitation I was able; when scales had been removed from my eyes to see the beautiful creation within the broken shell. Yes they needed others to help them with the most basic tasks. Other people had to give in a never-ending way in order that they may receive the necessary to live. As they receive food is it possible that it is for their sprits as well as their bodies. Is it further possible that without using unhelpful and even hurtful (if you’ve ever been burnt out you know what I mean) clichés that those who give really do receive. They get to take part in some of the most holy, sacred moments. Doing to “the least” as they would do to Him who my heart loves.

Anyway back to winter and spring. I recently after much prayer, thought and soul searching decided to take another job as a support worker working one on one with a great guy with mental health issues. It’s a role that suits my personality and believes much better. It is by no-means stress free but I connect with the deepest part of me as I carry out my work in a way that is refreshing to my soul even as I am emptied of the love and energy that I carry within. I have also met someone else who brings me great joy and together we are building a relationship founded on and infused with love that has the potential to become the most beautiful of things. The kind of thing that if it were a physical object would be the most beautiful piece of art. And I don’t mean a static painting but more a moving, living sculpture. Even a living breathing creation with it’s own life. This spring of the soul came about months after I reached my lowest and darkest part of winter. Months! between almost overwhelming despair and a definite overwhelming joy. This journey took place almost in tandem with the seasons unfolding about me in beautiful Wales. I came through I believe because I never gave up on the idea that love wins. Love in the end always wins. God is love and I cast myself upon Him as much as I was able and some more. I know I have not arrived but that I am continually on a journey treading many terrains. There are Mountains, gently rolling hills, flat plains from horizon to horizon to horizon. Sometimes there is great forests of greenery and at others a sandy waste but I always have the choice no matter how slowly to keep moving forward towards Him. There will be times of joy and times of despair. There will be crushingly beautiful moments and gut wrenching death moments. But I know that there is one who has overcome death and that love always wins in the end.

Originally posted on http://tairngir.tumblr.com/page/74

June 22 2009

The big day,

Everyone in the room sighs with joy, I’m smiling as my heart dies silently within,
Sweet looking lady with pressure gifts deploy, me crying with painted glee grin,

I didn’t drive here I was driven, he and they steered and “guided” gently my mouth and hands,
I say ‘I do’ as a gift from another given, he gets to take home this fruit he commands,

I may be sweet to taste but bitter to swallow,
Can I be full again when my desire is forgotten and heart is hollow,
My reflection is a trick the eyes are distant to the now,
I dream in faraway places; my body’s life’s rich cash cow,

Fine foods are death and glamorous garments leave me naked to scorn,
I am the wife of final breath and from this life only trouble can be born,
Heart cannot be coerced to love,
Your desire was as a hawk and my body your dove,

I am not even a trophy for trophies are for winners,
Give me dreams of freedom not fancy gift dinners,
My family are happier than me with our arrangement,
My sisters shocked, silent foreknowing in our engagement,

I bear the little ones whom pouring my latent love into,
This is why I am: My lambs who bring such joy; they my soul’s glue,
I accept now this is this is this is this is this is…………..

This is a bit random I know very little about this subject but just started writing and felt compelled to carry on. Maybe this is the first piece of many to be written. Also I don’t wish to come accross as slamming another’s culture so I have included a link below that has an interesting article explaining the difference between arranged and fixed marriages.

With that said I cannot abide anyone being forced into something completely against their will and hope I always speak out against such.

Originally posted on http://tairngir.tumblr.com/page/70

I awoke this morning stretched out like a star fish,
I was cracked shell, I was muscle tasty enough for five star dish,
My body slim as a hermit, mind cockled and my mood crabby,
I crawled, clawed, pincered against the flow looking shabby,
Lobster red my face embarrassed, salty my tears of shame,
They saw soft underbelly as in they went for the krill,
All my honour I prawned, all of these crustaceans fulfil………

Just a bit of fun because

Originally posted on http://tairngir.tumblr.com/page/75

June 15 2009

The drink makes my tears taste less bitter,
It lies softly like a lover to me saying life ain’t got shitter,
I stumble in my body but my mind now numb to me the unwashed bum,
Vomiting in a door way I don’t care I am the slum, pretending? I am all done,
Could you share some change my good man, no I don’t want no dumb soup can,
My baccy’s all gone god hates me, he’s not my fan, Another night wasted is the plan,
She’s gone again my stray lover, taking with her my last cover, give me another O brother,
Kick, punch and slap, I wish I cared but I don’t give a crap, between my heart and soul is ever widening gap,

I’m asked again sober?, I protest it’s the cold it draws nigh October, my storm don’t just blow over,

Give me another, have another, be another…………………………………..

(Written about a homeless guy……..)

Originally posted on http://tairngir.tumblr.com/page/71

A poem about love lost, found, given and received, brokenness and healing…….

Your sigh reminds me I can’t put her smile to dead-ends past,
Frown contorted face I remember that death night, that cold of been the last,
Tis a mystery why letting go is hardest,

Playing that new world song of a longing unquenched,
I see this future now that will not be keeping me benched,
The two of them refuse to be put out of mind,

That dark 1 in the morning ended past with a silent crash,
Even as you dangerously held onto past love’s stash,
The now is here and real; don’t look away,

Smiling now free of doubt and full of future’s promise,
Sun lit garden of joy drawing me into glory’s first kiss,
In full bloom, at one, alone only by choice.

Longing; an ache lost in the heat of passions eruption,
Praying “God keep love dangerous but away from enemy corruption”,
We seek healing for darker past, looking for light.
We need You in all, redeeming the wrong into right.

Originally posted on http://tairngir.tumblr.com/page/77

June 3 2009