‘Lover all is forgiven’. This is how the Lord opened up my heart, not breaking barriers but pointing to them. I was and am softened in my heart towards myself and towards Him. I went months without really hearing his voice or seeing his face. I was scared that He would ask too much of me. When it came to listening to Him I heard that I was so loved and cherished that those huge things that made me feel so worthless and weak were like midges being crushed in His mighty arms as he moved to embrace. He didn’t get in touch, as I feared for His own benefit. So He could ‘use’ me for His kingdom. He touched me and spoke to me, letting me know that He just loves and if I were just to soak that in for the rest of my life and naught else then His beaming smile would be my reward. His motives are altruistic and even were He to ask something of me, it would be to my benefit even if it seemed not to my shortsighted eyes.

As I said I went months without seeing or hearing him in what I would term direct contact. One day I was listening to a Brad Jersak podcast and he encouraged the church he was speaking to, to join him in visualising the throne room. He took verses from Revelation and Isaiah and Daniel (I think) to construct a vision of the throne room. And I was there. In my mind’s eye I could see it clearly and hear the hubbub of many voices and the wafting sound of wings moving. I approached the throne over a sea of clearest glass with a river of fire running down it, away from the throne. The thrones of the elders either side of The Throne. I was scared but in that good way when you expect nothing bad to happen. I was then seated on the Father’s lap. I’ve been here before I know but something was different this time. I could see His face. I’ve never been able to see the Father’s face before. Jesus’ but not the Father’s. If I were not already awed by my surroundings I was blown away by this.

His face was beautiful and terrifying. Intense is a word I kept thinking afterwards. I was bold despite this. I asked why I felt afraid to look into His face and eyes that were as fire. He replied by calling to my mind a part in a one of the Narnia stories:

“Ooh!” said Susan, “I’d thought he was a man. Is he – quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.”

“That you will, dearie, and no mistake,” said Mrs. Beaver; “if there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else just silly.”

“Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he is good.’

This shook me deeply and has been working on me ever since. The next week I had a session of listening prayer with my dear wife and a good friend of mine. I met with Jesus in our house and my heart was opened up another notch concerning being loved. And making and breaking inner vows to always be a blessing and never a curse. Of trying to be Jesus and not the me He would have me be. We cannot replace Him with a list of do’s and don’ts or by asking WhatWouldJesusDo. It was very freeing and challenged me in ways I know not yet. It was reaffirmed that love wins and love is on my side. That as stated in Romans 8:

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Nothing can get in the way of my lover and I.

Love wins…..