My enemy is the desire to numb. It comes from my sensitive, absorbent nature that sometimes (quite often) leads to my mind feeling too full, too violated, too broken. I make myself sick with anxiety; holding onto the lies and hurt that others around me feel and occasionally direct at me; though it doesn't need to be directed. I feel the brokenness around me like a never failing northerly, an earthquake that has aftershock after aftershock.So the question becomes: how do I (an imperfect live in a broken world of wounded people, with my desire to see them healed, without feeling powerless and numbing myself to cope?
I'm currently studying counselling, and am about to embark on the course that will lead me to being able to practice what I've learned in the real world. The thing is that it's impossible to hide from your broken self as you are lead to delve deeper into what makes you tick, and what 'blind spots' you have, and what prejudices you hold that form lenses skewering your view of the world and others. And as I am to go boldly where I haven't tread before within; how do I hold myself straight without? I can't just crumple into a ball and weep in a corner (at least not too often anyhow).
I recently faced a situation that brought all my woundedness to do with rejection and not being good enough and being a disappointment to the surface. My dad and his wife recently went through a crisis and it looked like he was going to leave her. This of course is concerning, but is more so as they have two daughters who were seemingly being forgotten in the midst of the emotional maelstrom. My lovely wife and I tried to remind both my dad and his wife the possible and probable effects that this situation was having on their daughters. But our advice and help in the desperate time was construed to look like we were interfering and were trying to split my dad and his wife up. All we did was respond to my dad saying he was leaving, we offered practical help specifically concerning their daughters and what would happen to them. He came to us for advice and help, and went away to talk to his wife and ended up using us (mainly my wonderful wife) as scapegoats in the whole story. It seems instead of facing up to the lack of love and intimacy within their family they decided it was everyone else around them who was to blame for distracting them from each other.
In counselling you do not offer advice, you do not suggest courses of action. As a son and confidant, and considering the situation that had the potential to emotionally harm two young children I felt it was my duty as a son and brother to offer help, challenge the bad ideas that were floating around, and suggest plans of action that were in the best interest of the children involved. If we had taken the stance of a counsellor and not suggested ideas how might this whole thing have turned out? We would have both had no tongues left from biting on them so, and we would have felt like we had let the little ones involved down. But maybe we could of all still been friends (whatever that means without truth). But that course felt false and still does when I contemplate it. I was fed up of being the silent listener who felt so much for the little ones but never uttered a word about their need to know they are loved. I had had enough, my wonderful wife had had enough over a much shorter time, as she seems to have a more sensitive injustice monitor, and she was brought up being able to speak her mind.
So the situation hasn't clearly changed: my dad and his wife are looking at divorce but it's all a grey area, I suppose I'm supposed to be glad that it isn't defitnetly over but I don't at the moment (and believe me, having gone through my parents divorce; that there are few situations where I would entertain the idea of a marital break up being anything but an unmitigated disaster, and worse that the alternatives) so even having ambiguous feelings about their staying together confuses and saddens me. There seemed to literally be no love left, and they both confessed that they were staying together for practical purposes only. I haven't shared here why I was concerned about the children in detail as I believe that would be dishonouring.
But I wish them all the best as a family, I really do, but they need love, a lot of it if they are to live in some kind of harmony. But I can share that this latest rejection of us within the family is very hurtful and drudges up many past memories for me and hurts my lovely wife a lot. It hurts more in some ways as I am the one within our family that everyone has always got on with and have been the peace maker in numerous situations. But sometimes you have to tell the truth as you see it and it is possible that the party receiving may not like it and they will reject you, not just the message. If there had been no children involved I for one would have left well alone, but there was so here we are. I am praying for them and us. I want reconciliation and healing, but not at the expense of not being able to be who we are. I do not regret our actions, but I regret that it has come to this. I feel this is a real chance to recall what it means to be forgiven, thus what it means to forgive those who trespass against me.
But I wish them all the best as a family, I really do, but they need love, a lot of it if they are to live in some kind of harmony. But I can share that this latest rejection of us within the family is very hurtful and drudges up many past memories for me and hurts my lovely wife a lot. It hurts more in some ways as I am the one within our family that everyone has always got on with and have been the peace maker in numerous situations. But sometimes you have to tell the truth as you see it and it is possible that the party receiving may not like it and they will reject you, not just the message. If there had been no children involved I for one would have left well alone, but there was so here we are. I am praying for them and us. I want reconciliation and healing, but not at the expense of not being able to be who we are. I do not regret our actions, but I regret that it has come to this. I feel this is a real chance to recall what it means to be forgiven, thus what it means to forgive those who trespass against me.