Archive for January 2009

Home Archive for January 2009

I want to be good. I want to please God. He says He wants me to be true to myself and Him in all I do. He says He welcomes all of me which I have to assume means He welcomes the dark, fractured and twisted parts of me. I am asked to love and let myself be loved and be love. I believe I have wasted too much time trying to achieve these things by disciplining my mind to work the way I think God wants it to. In a lot of ways that works; I can behave in all the “right” ways and say all the right things. I’m starting to believe this to be a pointless way to live and a fruitless way to walk through life.

I want all I do and say to be from the true me, yes the broken hearted, fractured souled human that I am. When I give food to the homeless I do it out of love and compassion remembering that all I have is a gift and not because, ‘well I’m a Christian and that’s what I’m supposed to do’. When I am at work serving those whose bodies and minds are broken and underformed do I do it out of obligation? out of the thought well, this seems like a worthy thing to do? No I try to do it from my heart and then I believe the blessing that both parties receive has an infinite depth to it. I find that the more I empty my heart of the love, joy and peace I receive from the Lord the more room He has to come fill me with Himself obviously accompanied by more love, joy and peace.

I spent a day yesterday having my heart absolutely battered from all sides and all possible angles. I think that all my insecurities (well I hope that it was all of them) were played upon at some time throughout the day. This was helped by the fact that my heart has been gently pummeled for the last few weeks. I caught a pretty deep look into my still very broken heart. This led to me to some very dark thoughts and eventually led to some very questionable actions.

I awoke this morning convicted and condemned, as I knew I would, still very raw and sensitive to my insecurities. The one that plays on me at times like this is a feeling of powerlessness, which I respond to with anger born out of frustration and bitterness born out of a perceived inferiority. I don’t think I need list my insecurities because we all have them and you can fill in the blanks with ones that you know you struggle with. I also awoke feeling dirty and unlovable which I know more and more and deeper and deeper is a lie. Nothing can separate me from the love of my Father. To quote Romans 8: Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, hard times, hatred, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in scripture. (Taken from the message)

The first time I read this I think I almost fell out of my seat it blew my mind, and increasingly is blowing my heart wide open.

So what am I trying to say? I don’t know exactly but know that I want to live a life worthy of the title son of God and that it has to be me doing it not this apparition of a “perfect” me that does not yet exist. This transformation of the soul and being away from the old and into the new happens not according to my timetable but must be trusted to God’s perfect timing. The best I can often do is to get out of God’s way and let His will be realised in my life.
Remember nothing can separate us.

Originally posted on http://tairngir.tumblr.com/page/86

Jan 22 2009

I want to be good. I want to please God. He says He wants me to be true to myself and Him in all I do. He says He welcomes all of me which I have to assume means He welcomes the dark, fractured and twisted parts of me. I am asked to love and let myself be loved and be love. I believe I have wasted too much time trying to achieve these things by disciplining my mind to work the way I think God wants it to. In a lot of ways that works I can behave in all the “right” ways and say all the right things. I’m starting to believe this to be a pointless way to live and a fruitless way to walk through life.

I want all I do and say to be from the true me, yes the broken hearted, fractured souled human that I am. When I give food to the homeless I do it out of love and compassion remembering that all I have is a gift and not because well I’m a Christian and that’s what I’m supposed to do. When I am at work serving those whose bodies and minds are broken and underformed do I do it out of obligation, out of the thought well this seems like a worthy thing to do, no I try to do it from my heart and then I believe the blessing that both parties receive has an infinite depth to it. I find that the more I empty my heart of the love, joy and peace I receive from the Lord the more room He has to come fill me with Himself obviously accompanied by more love, joy and peace. 

I spent a day yesterday having my heart absolutely battered from all sides and all possible angles. I think that all my insecurities (well I hope that it was all of them) were played upon at some time throughout the day. This was helped by the fact that my heart has being gently pummelled for the last few weeks. I caught a pretty deep look into my still very broken heart. This led to me to some very dark thoughts and eventually led to some very questionable actions.

I awoke this morning convicted and condemned, as I knew I would, still very raw and sensitive to my insecurities. The one that plays on me at times like this is a feeling of powerlessness, which I respond to with anger born out of frustration and bitterness born out of a perceived inferiority. I don’t think I need list my insecurities because we all have them and you can fill in the blanks with ones that you know you struggle with. I also awoke feeling dirty and unlovable which I know more and more and deeper and deeper is a lie. Nothing can separate me from the love of my Father. To quote Romans 8: Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ’s love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, hard times, hatred, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in scripture. (Taken from the message)

The first time I read this I think I almost fell out of my seat it blew my mind, and increasingly is blowing my heart wide open.

So what am I trying to say? I don’t know exactly but know that I want to live a life worthy of the title son of God and that it has to be me doing it not this apparition of a “perfect” me that does not yet exist. This transformation of the soul and being away from the old and into the new happens not according to my timetable but must be trusted to God’s perfect timing. The best I can often do is to get out of God’s way and let His will be realised in my life.
Remember nothing can separate you.

Originally posted on http://tairngir.tumblr.com/page/87

Jan 19 2009

Life is wonderful in all its aching beauty. I love to love and laugh when I hear others laugh. I even wonder at the wonder of this life when I want to cry and others do to. When goodness passes all to quick and darkness lingers over long I will rejoice in the simplicity that I am alive and human. They say that the darkest hour is the one before the dawn but hail the dawn. I need others. They need me. Symbiosis is really a wonderful thing. To depend upon and to be depended on wow it’s the root of so much of what makes life so soul blowingly wondrous. I hope I can find even inadequate words to express the yes that every beat of my bruised heart speaks. Random giving is my favourite in both having and letting. Chewing gum stuck to my favourite shoes reminds me another breathes. Four lettered angry words remind me I can shape things. Illness reminds me that I am an amazing creation knitted together with amazing grace. When did I earn this right to be left to be. Urine splashes on my just washed floor clear my eyes to see. Clichés can be the deepest truths. The cold makes me appreciate the warmth and snow cakes icing sugar. The serpents cruelty reminds me of the lambs softness. As a car drives past and splashes me with cold, dirty water I raise my voice in a delightful curse that makes me laugh later that day. Disappointment keeps me dreaming of bigger and better. Flowers in the window give off the sweetest fragrance to the nose deaf. My ocean blue eyes contrast magically with their dark earth-like ones. The grass is always green wherever I am it’s magical. My secret dancing and silent singing are heavens joy. My pondering slothfulness a grace wasting beatitude that defies reason. Water is so amazing. Ice and snow, a glass of thirst quench, snowy days, hot showers, duck ponds and a child’s tear. Praise is each smile and Thankfulness every single chuckle. Every retch is an expulsion of oxygen that enriches and heals. Each gulp a knowing of life. Opening that new gift, that new smell that exciting feel of all mine. A shell, a feather, that favourite toy car all so precious. A walk, a run, a dash for life. Am I running to or from? :)

Originally posted on http://tairngir.tumblr.com/page/89

Jan 13 2009

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